Impulse Control

I've begun this stage in my life where I simply feel overwhelmed by urges. (Again)

Food.

Sex.

Drink.

Opinions.

And sometimes, thank god, overwhelmed by apathy and therefore ill-prepared to act on those urges.

Going to the grocer. It's rainy season here in Seattle, after all.

Picking someone up. Which usually involves going from the couch to the computer.

Ditto, grocer. Which has on occasion fostered my urge for sex, too.

Waiting for the right moment to tell someone they are an idiot or a boob. Which has sometimes fostered sex as well. What is it with people being turned on by being told off?

This morning, I awoke with a fairly ambivalent mood hanging over me. The generic surprise at having woke up yet again wearing off fairly quickly. I seem to be getting comfortable with my persistent existence. Plodding to the can. Brushing my teeth while thinking about whether to simply hop in the shower and get clean. Somehow ending up in pants with a toothbrush still in my mouth.

Decision made. God bless auto-pilot. Sometimes I get all the way to work's door in this mode!

I pull on a t-shirt and consider a jacket, with just enough ambivalence left over to end up with a sweatshirt and jacket.

My latest impulse control seems to be running for the elevator.

I can hear it coming. I live right next to the shaft. I like to imagine who's coming or going at night as I tick off the floors it passes. It's a wonderful use of insomnia, since I don't know what floor the damn thing originated on.

But when it hits my floor, I want to run for it.

Which is what I did this morning. Simply gave in to the urge.

There I was, jacket on yet unaware I was actually preparing to go anywhere, as the elevator ascended toward my floor. I had heard one of my neighbor's doors close, so I knew a ride was nigh.

So, I bolted.

Wherever the hell I was going, it needed to be now, damn it!

But my phone did not make the jump with me. Which is kind of fine, I have been hating my phone lately as it impulsively shuts off in the middle of conversations two or three times a day as it gives into it's own impulses-call it engineered obsolesence. I can't finish a call on it on my own time frame without being tethered to an outlet. Very frustrating.

Thank god I at least had my wallet.

No umbrella either. Hopefully the rain into which I emerged was part of "showers with sunbreaks" and not a downpour for the day, as recent days have been.

So I end up walking into Sugar for some coffee. How the hell I managed to have a magazine, wallet, ball cap and no idea where I was going...it's a miracle I have made it this far.

My favorite barista and young friend, JZ-squared says to me as I walk in, "You got my text!"

Negatory, good buddy. Just ended up here. Left the phone at home.

My impulse control issues must be destiny, though. There I was, overcome by the urge to be somewhere to the degree that I end up there practically before I even realize that I have left home. Pleasing a friend with my mere appearance. The conversation we had was one of my favorites in recent days. Just about nothing...the magazine I had managed to grab, my disheveled appearance, pie baking, sleep, music, art, travel and assorted whatnot.

Here's to not asking questions and just going with the flow.

And now it's sunny.