Need

I think I was born to rail against the typical American lifestyle. Or at least it is a byproduct of my residency in the USA.

And I find myself a member of that lifestyle I so often complain about. That's part of what makes me special.

Mmm-hmm.

It crystallized in a thought I had this morning at Noah's Bagels on 23rd in Portland while I waited for a friend to finish a doctor's appointment.

(A couple of side-bars here: Twenty-third is referred to as trendy-third in Portland, which dovetails nicely on my thoughts for this blog. Secondly, while at Noah's I took a little inventory of what I have consumed on my vacation-the sheer amount of food I have eaten. Crazy. I think it really went off the charts when my friend, The Silver Fox, started his fasting three days prior to his colonoscopy today. I think I ate all his food rations, too. This thought also folded into my thoughts for this blog.)

I was there enjoying a salt bagel (the best!) and a couple cups of coffee while I waited for The Silver Fox to finish his anal probe when a lady walked in and ordered a dozen bagels. The shop manager addresses her from across the counter and offered to put together an assortment for her. Here's what happened:

"I'll pick them myself" No "no thanks"?
"Ok"
"I need two pumpernickel" Yes, I sent myself a text with her order so I would remember what she asked for. Me and my stellar memory.
"Ok"
"I need two plain"
"Ok"
"I need two salt" (the best!)
"Ok" This guy is way more patient than I am.
"I need two asiago"
"Ok"
"I need two pepper, how many is that?"
"That's 10"
"And I need two sun dried tomato"
"Ok. You get one more when you order a dozen. What kind would you like?"
Flustered, "You pick"

Really? Now, now...this is when you release your control issues and let someone else pick? She left the shop without as much as a "Thank you" for the guy who helped her. I think she confused the nature of the "order" she was giving. She obviously needed better service before she felt the need to grace a lowly service person with her good manners. I wondered where her and her clunky shoes worked. I wanted (it wasn't a need) to tell her that if she was gonna put on airs like that, she should put on better shoes. And probably use a better handbag while she's at it. But I didn't-see, there's my generous nature.

I was killing time there for an hour and a half at Noah's. It gave me time to notice how many people tell you what they need when they are really just expressing what they would like. Three people ordered dozens. One accepted the manager's offer to assemble and assort on their behalf. The other two needed specific bagels, apparently.

I wonder what would have happened if they would have reported to the office without the bagels they needed. Would there have been a termination? A corrective action? Hard to say, and honestly, I do not have a need to know. My brief observation of these two customers led me to the conclusion that neither of them was patient enough to take the order of one or two people, let alone a dozen. So where did this need for specific bagel flavors come from?

I think it was a need to be in control. But it did get me thinking about how we phrase things. We don't talk about things that we really do need like food, shelter, oxygen. The basics. We gloss over those things as part of our life experience. Things that are given to us because we, as Americans, are entitled to them and god help the poor bastard that tries to deny us those basics, our birth rights. It made me think hard about the last times I've casually overheard people discussing their needs.

What I recollected was a woman on the street telling her phone, "I need to get a massage". A woman at breakfast (post anal probe) saying to her boyfriend that she needed to go to Nordstrom". Funny, at breakfast at Fuller's (the best steak and egg breakfast in Portland) I fought back a need to ask the waitress if I could buy breakfast for the guy across from me. He had the specific look of homelessness without the addition of "crazy". I wanted to ask after I heard him ask the waitress how much an order of french toast was. After a pause, she offered that they had half-orders, which he requested with a cup of coffee. You may have noticed that I said, "I wanted" earlier, I didn't have a need to buy this guy's breakfast, but he looked like he needed the money he was spending on food. What I needed in this scenario was a way to ask the waitress if he needed help without damaging his dignity regardless of the answer.

Back to the point.

There was a guy at the gym telling his buddy that he needed to get a protein shake.

Sadly, that was the closest to a genuine need I could recall.

Well, there was a memory of someone saying, "I need to use the restroom" but other than that, I was drawing a blank. To be honest, I could have been remembering myself saying that and forgetting it was me, I tend to drink a lot of fluids and forget lots of details.

The conclusion-which I will no doubt hear from someone that this is more of an indictment than a conclusion-that I came to is that we have managed as a culture to elevate our wants to the level and urgency of needs. Frankly-and this is where I reclaim my perceived generosity of spirit-I don't blame the individuals. I blame the culture. Specifically, our media-centric culture.

For decades now we have been programmed, in an escalatingly aggressive fashion, to forget about the basics and focus on the brass ring type items that we see on tv or in movies. The designer shoes and clothes, the trendy eateries, the vacation hot spots, the cosmetic procedures. Over the course of time, this has eroded our sense of appreciation for what we have and shifted the focus to what it is that we don't have. What the Joneses have that we don't. What the next conquest or acquisition is. What we need.

Or, more appropriately, what we need to validate and/or distract ourselves.

I think that I will place a large portion of the blame for our increasing divorce rate and decreasing ability to maintain solid relationships on this same phenomenon.

I felt kind of crummy after all this. Slightly sickened for the realization. Maybe it was the second cup of coffee.

Not reaching out for any shred of humanity to hold onto for the sake of my precious ego, but still grateful for the unbidden memory, I thought of my aunt's way of expressing her gratitude for her good fortunes or simple pleasures. I was riding in the car with her once and she made a traffic light as it turned from red to green without having to stop or slow down. She exhaled, "Thank you, Jesus".

When I questioned her about it, she simply explained that there are so many things to be grateful for, small miracles, that go unacknowledged everyday that she feels selfish if she doesn't say "thank you" when she notices one. And my aunt has been known, as a rule, to put the "conspicuous" in "conspicuous consumer".

I thought about that practice, and decided I loved it. Putting my own spiritual rather than religious twist on it, I adopted it as my own and try to throw a "thank you" out there myself now and then. I actually said, "Thank you, Paula" to express my gratitude to her for sharing this with me and, therefore, allowing me to recall the moment when I needed to be reminded of the fact that there's plenty of good to witness out there in the world.

I just need to be open to seeing it.